*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.