You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
You Might Also Like
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”