You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?