Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!