director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
You Might Also Like
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.