Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.