my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!