Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?