Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”