[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
ouch
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf