My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme