the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Ken is short for chicken
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I like long walks away from everyone
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.