SF is the wild wild west man
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*