“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.