someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas