Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
You Might Also Like
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
The first one, obviously
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
79.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.