*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You Might Also Like
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
the icebreaker
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.