There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now