Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Wait a second…
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders