Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
You Might Also Like
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
This will never not be funny 😭
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured