If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
The human personality is made of five key elements
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero