are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait