[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*weighs self after shaving
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.