Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Not recommended for beginners.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer