*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Florida be like…
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?