Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.