I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
You Might Also Like
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Inside you there are two wolves
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.