GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Catering service
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.