On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Why are bridges so flammable.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.