Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
❤️❤️❤️
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.