Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Xylophonist Shredding It
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
the three branches of government
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics