One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.