him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me recordaron éste meme
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.