8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!