me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Plant care tips
for all #parents out there