Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Boating season is upon us.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!