Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842