Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
You Might Also Like
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Birds & Planes.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf