I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*serious situation*
My brain:
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Not today.. 😂
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late