My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up