“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The Sun
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.