date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
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Previously On Persistence 😎
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.