Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Midwest trash talk
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Knock Knock
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”