A ghost story
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That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.