girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Writing, She Murdered.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The Weeknd is back
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.