I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The best shot in the history of golf
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.