Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out