Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?