23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys