“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
mom had nothing to worry about
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My love language is deader than Latin
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me: